Getting to the HEART of the matter...

I began my morning today by fielding a phone call from one of my favorite people, the Lutheran pastor from Lake Ann.  I am blessed to share this community with Pastor Justin and he is often a friend with whom I can discuss theology and church life.  Our call this morning was two-fold....1st, Justin needed to use the gym for his son's baseball practice....and 2nd, he wanted to know what is going on in UMC-land.  I told him that today was going to be an important day for the UMC and a bit about the nature of the discussions to take place.  His reply was, "We [ELCA] did it.  We lost congregations...but now we are moving along."  He didn't actually say that the decision to ordain all people called to ministry (regardless of their sexual orientation) was painless or helpful, but he did feel confident that the ministry of the ELCA has only gotten stronger.  Then he reminded me that the UMC and the ELCA are in full-Communion, which means that we can pair up for worship services and Holy Communion.  In fact, we've done this many times when our two congregations worship together.  This seems an interesting option considering votes taken today affirming the current wording in our Book of Discipline (our rule book) that clearly states homosexuality is a practice incompatible with Christian teaching.  

I want to be clear here...I'm not writing this to get your opinion on the issue of homosexuality/clergy/ordination/or Scripture.  This is not a fight I even have the stomach for tonight.  I'm writing because I have some serious questions about what lies at the root of this decision today.  Definitions of sin aside...what lies underneath these decisions?

If you've followed the buzz today you may have heard a response from our Grand Rapids DS.  After having experienced what took place this morning she spoke of her sorrow on behalf of the young people for whom inclusion is not even a question, or an issue.  This is my paraphrase, and my interpretation anyway.  

Ever since I became an official pastor in the UMC I have repeatedly heard, "We need more young people....we need more young pastors....what are you doing to grow the number of youth in your church..."  Too many times to count I have been able to stand as I hear "If you're in this room and you're under the age of 40 please stand......"  We are in real trouble when we look around and realize that before long we aren't going to have enough pastors to fill churches.  We are in even more trouble when we examine the downward slide of  young folks attendance and participation in the UMC.  

Is our stance on homosexuality what is causing our slow (and painful death?)  Are young people staying away because we just can't get our minds wrapped around the idea that sexual preference does not define a human being?  I was asked earlier tonight (thank you Zach) some other tough questions.  How would you answer these in light of recent General Conference events?

• From your point of view, what motivation might a young to-be clergy person have to progress through the UMC's extensive educational and denominational hoops if there is no guarantee of a job, and policy keeping them from fully expressing their ministry of inclusiveness and love?

• What reason might you suggest for other non-clergy ministry professionals (who have fewer stakes) to stay with the UMC
long-term if the denomination is clearly set decade after decade against inclusive loving ministry?

These questions are worthy of discussion.  What is at the heart of this issue...what are the consequences?  Immediately following the release of this information many of the seminary students...soon to be future UMC pastors had posts about getting out now, switching denominations...giving up on a system that seems unaffected by voices crying out in the wilderness.  
My stance on these issues continues to be transformed as God continues to work within me.  I serve a church where the decisions made today will be celebrated and find myself in the mystery of ministry as the Holy Spirit challenges us to do ministry together.  More and more I see how the political realm of the world is only mirrored in the politics of the denomination I  have chosen to serve.  I wasn't naive enough to think that disagreement wouldn't exist...but I do believe that no matter what the issue, we as Christians are called to respond with an attitude of love and respect.  Perhaps the most detrimental thing that has occurred (in my reading) at General Conference is the ability for those who serve God to speak without these two foundations of Truth.
Tonight I don't know what to think.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to serve God here in Lake Ann.  I'm grateful for some amazing, intelligent colleagues.  I'm grateful that I'm not responsible for judging anyone else's behavior, sin, or place in God's Kingdom.  My heart hurts however, for those who feel they do not have a place in a church/movement that began for that very reason, to spread the Gospel to all people.  

Riding the Fence can be PAINFUL.

I posted on facebook a little earlier this evening and have received some wondering.  I expected that.  A couple of years ago I was asked to preach at our Annual Conference gathering.  While this was a huge honor, I must admit that I was pretty terrified all at the same time.  I've always understood a large part of my call to ministry to be grounded in the joy of encouraging others in their calls to do ministry in the world (whether it be to ordained ministry, or that deeply sacred ministry that happens during most people's everyday lives).  Two years ago I headed to conference with a sermon all written and tidied up.  I thought it was a good sermon. 

As I sat through our normal proceedings that year, engaged in times of worship with my fellow UM's, ate meals and had lots of "parking lot" conversations I began to realize that my sermon stunk.  I found myself in the midst of people who longed to have the power structure of the church reversed.  I heard tale after tale of power struggles and of good pastors who would not receive appointments because their family's needs could not also be met in their Cabinet-appointed location.  I knew that the Spirit was calling me to speak from the heart and from my love of the UMC and Wesleyan theology.  Pastor's needed to hear that they were not a disappointment to God, that a decrease in church attendance or professions of faith was not necessarily because their specific ministry was ineffective.  I believe that in many ways we are now reaping the consequences of  years led by a broken organizational system.  I was used by God that day (I hope and pray) to encourage those people who live and minister and care in the often mysterious trenches of ministry.  I'm pretty sure that I even told the Bishop he could jump off a bridge and no one in our local church would notice....but if all the pastors in all the small burgs that house UMC's were to vanish, the world we be a different place...Christ's hands and feet would be less effective.

My first year in ministry my District Superintendent told me I was "too idealistic."  He said that because I held high expectations for my fellow pastors.  At that time I believed so much in the process, in the structure, and in the future of the church I am called to serve.  I am idealistic I suppose....I believe that the power in the UMC (and in any large denomination) is found at the local level, in the nitty-gritty details of local church ministry, chaplaincy, etc.  I believe that pastors need to feel empowered, encouraged, and cared for by those who hold superior positions within the organizational structure.  I believe that we can only be stronger when we include all people, all points of view,  all races, lifestyles, ages, and ideals.  We don't all have to agree with each other but we do have to recognize that  in the creation of each person God has done a mighty work, and that each person (regardless of our opinion) has been made in the very image of the God we love and trust.  Our system continues to do all it can to uphold a structure of power that is not only killing our churches, but preventing us from accomplishing our mission to transform the world while  "making disciples of Jesus Christ!

As I sit in the small village of Lake Ann tonight, my heart is troubled for my church.  I pray this struggle I feel is not one of selfish motivation or preservation.  I am definitely no expert when it comes to understanding what is happening in Tampa at our General Conference, though I have been excited about the possibilities that exist as the leaders and delegates of the UMC gather for discernment and vote-taking on legislation that could truly lead the UMC boldly into the future.  I must admit that I have not been glued to my computer watching the live-feed of the events and discussions.  I have only read snip-ets  of decisions, heartfelt testimonies and confessions, and the blog posts of the delegates from W. MI.  I recognize that the Spirit is at work, opening perspectives and offering healing.  Unfortunately I also recognize that riding the fence on huge issues will only perpetuate the downward spiral in which we currently find ourselves.  As a whole we sit on opposite sides of the table regarding huge issues, often led by the fear that comes with change.  How will we move forward?  Can we move forward when every side claims that the Gospel says....
Maybe we need to start with reading the Gospel again...

"A new command I give you: Love one another.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another."  John 13:34

If we are true to the Spirit's leading, true to the discernment process are we not all changing and in a constant state of transformation in the Spirit?  It's when we think we've arrived, that our way is the only way, that we get stuck.  We are stuck, aren't we? 

Historically the Methodist's have played a large role in taking strong stands in the name of justice.  These days it seems we are the last to move towards inclusion and accountability.  We even struggle to have respectful, open, honest conversations with people who share different viewpoints.  Our nation and political climate are a reflection of the polarized state of the church.  "In the name of God, I'M right" is no longer an acceptable way of moving forward, reaching people with God's love, or transforming the world.  I am challenged by many to be bold, to use my voice, and I feel frustrated that using my voice could actually make me a victim of this system as it has many of my colleagues.  Because we are appointed under the auspices of a cabinet and bishop, should we "use our voices" they may just come back to haunt us.  What avenues are there other than to write legislation that will be dismissed because it may alter the way we currently do business?

I love the UMC....and I am a United Methodist to my core.  I believe in our theology.  Unfortunately we are so busy trying to find ways to entice people into our churches that we have seemingly set that theology aside on many occasions.  Perhaps instead of transformation what we need is reformation.

I'm ready to be reformed.  Sign me up for the big horse and let me ride.

The Fog.

Ever feel like everyone else has it all together and you're still trying to figure it out?  I've been struggling with that a bit lately.  This thing called ministry is such a mysterious beast.  Just when I think I am getting a handle on it, just when I'm about to declare success, I find myself shrouded in the dense fog of trying to get people excited to worship God.  Just when I think our church is offering that program that's going to catch everyone's attention I realize that nobody really needs another thing to attend.  In the meantime I'm certain, I mean CERTAIN, that God is in our midst...and that makes it exciting.  


Within the mystery lies the opportunity.  Within the fog lies a clarity that only comes when I'm using my "God-vision" to see the people that trouble me the most.  As I look around at what the other churches are doing, as I compare myself with the pastors I respect and admire I can get to thinking that I must lack faith or wisdom as I try to lead my flock as I believe God desires.  


I'm SO grateful that throughout the history of God's people God has chosen to use the less-than-perfect to do great things.  I want to do great things in the name of the Kingdom.  I want to be the fragrance of Christ in the stinkiest of places.  I want to have the faith to be less concerned about myself and more concerned about what opportunities God is placing in front of me.  


Tonight I pray that God would help me to have immeasurable "humble-confidence" as I yearn to be the pastor God has created me to be.  I pray that I will live fully into that call and not get caught up in the struggles of comparison and fear.


May the roller coaster ride continue!

Knots

When I first started in ministry I was so excited that I couldn't wait to help out in every possible way. I love people, so much of my time was spent visiting and praying with my parishioners. I was given charge of the youth group, something I was used to having served as a director of youth and children's ministry while in seminary. In the midst of the joy of practicing ministry I found my preaching voice and reveled in the mystery of The Spirit's movement in the lives of the people I had quickly grown to love.

I heard warnings of pastor burn-out and keeping life and vocation separate. I remembered the voice of my Church Administration prof saying repeatedly, "pastors should not make friends with those in their churches.".And oh so quickly, and without recognition I found myself breaking the unwritten pastor rules that have been handed down through the ages.
Has the role of pastor changed or am I just doing it wrong? I believe that the people in my congregation want to know that their pastor is a real person just like they are, one who struggles with living as Christ calls in the midst of this world. The pastor-pedestal is not for me! Besides, I'm too uncoordinated to be set up high. That's too far of a tumble for me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a knot trying to balance all the loose ends of ministry, friendships, family, and keeping healthy my own soul. Inevitably someone gets the short end of the stick and the strings unravel a bit. As many pastors are, I too am a grand people pleaser. This causes the knot to get tight once on a while when I realize that I am neglecting a friend, my family, or have dropped the ball on follow-through with a parishioner.

One of my friends recently posted a status in Facebook that asked this: "Is the way you are doing ministry destroying the God in you?". A profound question that should be easily answered with a resunding NO, but in my life could often be answered with a humble yes.

Ministry in the midst of The Bread of Life can leave me starving if I get caught up in knots. It's the knots of doubt and people pleasing that destroy the image and work of God in me, and in turn destroy my ability to see God in another. The irony of all of this is that it occurs under the great umbrella of loving God who simply desires my adoration, faith, and worship. How did that become so complicated, anyway?

Sometimes I really Wonder if I'm Crazy.

Have you ever actually wondered if you're losing it?  I had a day like that yesterday after having a weekend from Hades!  (Yes, I think that PC for HELL!)  I often find myself in places where I am not sure I belong.  For example, as I write this I am also in the middle of a "virtual meeting" for the UMC.  So, I am listening to conversations about Budgets for Boards and Agencies in W. MI, as we discern what can be cut and how it should be done.  Of course, the areas that continue to be cut are the very ones that matter most to me:  camping, campus ministries, and global ministries.  It is a conversation for which I always feel unprepared.  Oh no...they just asked me what I thought about something.  


At my own church we are always running facts and figures to discern how we can meet our budget and pay down a mortgage that hangs over us a bit.  In the midst of these discussions the Holy Spirit sneaks in and the real ministry questions are asked, "How do we really measure success..." or "What does this mean for real people, not just numbers?"  
So rather than get overly invested and perhaps a little anxious over the state of the denomination in which I have invested my entire life I thought I'd write a blog post.


Maybe it's not me that is crazy, maybe God was crazy when I got the big CALL.  Was it really just the pizza I ate keeping me up at night?  No.  It's not that easy to sneak away from a call to ministry.  It's one of those things that sort of picks at you until you just succumb and give it all to God in true hope and with a good mix of fear and excitement.  


I am often filled with a tension that I cannot fully express, perhaps you understand.  I wonder if the church (whether UMC or whatever) is capable of doing what God intended it to do.  I am a believer that God intends the church to be the vehicle through which the nations become aware of the Triune God, I just wonder sometimes if God had any idea what people are really like when we were created.  I am a female pastor, this fact alone sometimes shuts me out of discussions to which I have things to add.  How, with all of these factors and judgement can we every truly work with each other?  What would it look like for us to discuss the real basics and start there.  Would the body of believers grow?  


I long for the church I serve, which happens to be theologically Wesleyan and connected to the UMC, to be a place that really does church well.  I dream of people excited to be at worship, of offering sermons while everyone is awake, of technology advancing ministry (tech. that actually works with people who really enjoy running it).  These are silly things in the big picture, but how do I lead this church in a new way, how can I foster excitement and joy in the simple fact that Jesus rose and we can too.  


Some people in my church told me recently of a church who's slogan was, "The Church that doesn't Suck."  I wish I could make T-shirts with this for my church, but I don't think it would go over too well.  The world wants a church that doesn't suck.  One that doesn't suck the life out of them, one that meets at a time that doesn't suck, one that doesn't offer them suck-y messages....if we didn't suck so much people would be lining up to spend time together, singing, loving each other, praying, and the whole atmosphere would NOT SUCK it would GIVE LIFE.


I wanna be a leader of a church that offers life.


Is this a prayer?  Maybe so.

A Little Too Salty for My Own Good.

Here I am again writing the first post on a new blog.  I have tried this before, quite unsuccessfully I might add.  It seems that when I am trying to write something pastoral and profound it becomes quite the chore.  This time I am just going to write.  I'm excited at the prospect of having a place to share my thoughts and hopefully this will actually help me grow and reflect too.  


When I think of blogging I am always confronted with the image of Doogie Howser at the end of his show writing diligently at the computer.  Too bad the kids in my youth group don't even know who Doogie is...or Alf for that matter?!?!  What has this world come to?  


This time I will write simply from the perspective of Devon, not the pastor, not the leader, but just the woman who is trying to follow God's call on her life.  This perspective will be much more entertaining than if I try to present some quick devotional or theological reflection...and maybe the lines will blur once in a while?


For today I write as the woman who feels a lot like Lot's wife.  Who is she?  She's the woman who looked back and quickly became a pillar of salt.  This story is scary, really, but also cracks me up.  What on earth would the people have thought that were standing there?  Why salt?  
Most importantly, why did she turn back?  [Insert Ace of Base Song, "Don't turn around."]


She was told to leave the city with her husband.  There are angels in the story telling Lot to take his family and go...so they do.  Except...just one more quick glance back at the city of sin. (The story is in Genesis in case you're wondering...ch. 19).  What is there that she wants to see?  Did she make some friends there?  Was she just wanting to check out what was happening?  


Bam...she's turned into salt.  That is nuts.  Lot, her husband, had been doing stupid things.  He even offered his daughters to the wicked men of the town.  He had bargained with God, pleaded, he dragged his feet when he was told to get his family and leave.  The story tells us that angels had to grab his hands to get him to go...


And it's his WIFE that turns to salt for looking back?  This doesn't seem too fair.  But, I am afraid that I'm a lot like her.  Yikes.  


I'm afraid that even in faith I like to look back and make sure I have things done my way.  I'm afraid that I often act like I have "given" God control over things that overwhelm me only to worry and create anxiety about them for myself.  I just have to have that last glance in case I've missed something.  


Maybe this isn't all bad.  I am a firm believer that every single person has great value in God's sight.  I wouldn't want an entire city to be destroyed because of sin, and yet God felt this was the way to move forward.  Am I questioning God?  Sometimes that answer to this is a resounding "yep."  


Oh how I long to be wiser in the ways of God while at the same time hold on to the child-like excitement of seeing God-possibilities all over the place.  The challenge is to look ahead and to trust...lest I turn into a simple seasoning flying through the wind.