I am anxious today. Not just the usual anxious that I carry in my bones everyday. Anxiety can be one of my greatest assets, but today it's just making me pretty nuts. Ever struggle with anxiety? It reminds me of that slippery serpent in the Garden of Eden as it can overtake me before I even know it exists. It begins in the wee hours of the morning when I begin to think of all that the day will entail, then it transforms the many tasks and ideas into a mess of fear and leaves me catching my breath. I hate it. Anxiety makes no sense, really....but no matter how I try to talk myself out of it it tends to hang around for a while. For me, it is often the hidden part of my life that no one imagines is there. It can rob me of the joy of serving Christ by filling my head with all that is left undone: people who are needing a visit, letters to be written, calendars to be copied, sermons that aren't quite finished, youth group lessons, books to read, leadership skills to learn, family to check in on, and on..and on...
Reality check time. Deep breath. Gentle reminder: Nothing I do will cause God to love me more, nothing I don't do will cause God to love me less. Phew. Re-focus. Press on.
The irony of today is evident in the sermon I am pondering for our Saturday night service. I've been reading the conversion stories of Wesley, Luther, and Augustine again recently. Their struggle to KNOW without doubt that they have pleased God and received the blessing of salvation kept them awake long nights and led them to "work" zealously for God. The very thing they longed to know in their bones, is that which they encouraged others to grasp: grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love.....all through faith alone.
It's too much for us in this world where everything has to fulfill it's purpose or can be replaced. It's too much to struggle and dig deeper when most of what we want comes at the click of the computer mouse. This reality effects culture in such drastic ways, even determining the success or failure of relationships. If Luther hadn't struggled he may never have experienced the utter relief and joy at finally KNOWING the Lord. If Wesley had given up on the quest for the fire of the Spirit the common people may never have known the deep acceptance of God's grace.
The level of need in the world overwhelms me. People unwilling to do the hard work to make thing better for themselves makes me sad. Help exists, but it means we have to do difficult things. Children suffering the consequences of their parent's choices makes me weep. In the midst we stand as a the Body of Christ, just reaching our arms out as far as they can stretch, praying that we can catch those who fall, crushed by the weight of failure, desires, accidents, illness...not just to slip them a few bucks or a bag of groceries and send them on their way but to confront them with the only love that will never disappoint, hold a grudge, or turn on them.
We've got to make this love real. We've got to find avenues to open up flashes of unmerited grace in people's lives. We've got to keep our eyes on the big picture.
Phew. God's still in charge. I just needed the reminder that I'M not.
