Longest Night

 

Today, December 21^st, is the winter solstice.  That means that we will experience the longest night of the year, and that after tonight, the hours of daylight will increase.  This time of year, holiday celebrations surround us with the joy of the season. For many, however, the holidays feel a lot like this night, long and dark.  For some that may mean struggling to make sense of the loss of a loved one, acknowledging the feelings of grief that change over time, but never fully dissipate. Others may simply miss family members who live far away, or experience sadness over other losses.  We are people who have been through so much, and this time of year it is good to acknowledge both the joys of life, alongside the sorrow, struggle, and regrets.  I invite you to take a moment and remain in the midst of what feels heavy this season, acknowledging that which is hard, and allowing yourself space to connect with the Holy (God, Light, Love, whatever you understand the Holy to be).

Find a quiet place and light the candle provided, or another candle of your choosing. Sit comfortably and spend a few moments breathing in deeply, holding it for just a second, and breathing out as long as you can.  Do this slowly until a rhythm develops and you find your mind has slowed down.  If you have trouble concentrating, focus on the feeling of your breath as it enters/leaves your nose/mouth, allowing yourself into a time of quiet stillness and reflection. You may also find it helpful to focus on the flame of the candle.

Spend a few minutes reflecting on the following four ideas: Love, Peace, Hope, Joy.

Allow LOVE to enter:

·        Who comes to mind when you reflect on love?

·        What does it feel like to love and be loved?

·        Lift the names of persons you want to surround with love, be sure to also acknowledge those who have passed from this life. 

·        Take a few moments and breathe.  As you inhale, breath in love…as you exhale breath out any feelings of loneliness, grief, or isolation.

Allow PEACE to enter:

·        In what areas of your life do you long for peace?

·        Focus on any conflict that lives in you, whether it be with yourself or someone else.  Surround that dark space with peace and light as you lift it to the presence of the Holy.

·        Take a few moments and breathe. As you inhale breath in peace…as you exhale breath out any feelings of stress or fear.

Allow HOPE to enter:

·        What does hope mean to you? 

·        What is it that you long for the most?

·        What is your deepest hope for those you love?

·        Take a few moments and breathe.  As you inhale breath in the promise of hope…as you exhale breath our any feelings of discouragement. 

Allow JOY to enter:

·        What brings you joy this season?

·        How do you bring joy into the lives of others?

·        What does joy mean to you?

·        Take a few moments and breathe.  As you inhale breath in joy…as you exhale breathe out any anxiety that resides within you.

Finally, focus on the flame of the candle:

·        What does the light represent to you? 

·        Embrace its warmth and visualize light entering your body.  Start from the bottom of your feet, up your calves, slowly travelling all the way up to the top of your head.  As you picture it, allow your muscles to relax and continue to breath in and out, slowly and deeply. 

·        Allow the light to dispel any darkness, any hurt, any pain. 

·        Before blowing out the candle, spend a few moments reflecting on gratitude.  For what are you most thankful?  Who/what do you consider to be a gift? 

When you are ready, blow out the candle. 

Remember that there are no right or wrong feelings this time of year.  Allow yourself to feel all that comes to you, remembering that you are not alone on this journey. Know that what you bring to this world is unique and important!

May you be blessed now and always,

Chaplain Devon

  

The Hold...

 I haven't written a post on here in over six months.  I have started many times, and decided that it was not the right time, or I did not have enough clarity to get something down that was worth reading.  Today I am writing mostly to get these thoughts out of my head, feel free to read along, but don't expect too much. 

After an entire year of CPE, working to heal and grieve and understand the layers of who I am and how I am wired, I sort of thought I would come out of it with a super-girl cape, that I would be so self-differentiated and reflective that remaining in healthy, non-reactive, grounded space would be a lot easier.  And honestly, in so many ways it has.  I find myself in a completely new territory for me - formerly eternally single and fairly lonely most of the time - I now am loved fiercely by one who continues to dig right into life with me every single day.  The bonus comes in a nine-year old little feminist who teaches me the value of time - doing math homework, eating meals together, learning new things with courage.  I have a home that feels like home, which if you are a UMC pastor, you know is not always the case.  I am serving as the associate pastor for a church that is unique, in transition like all churches, and has offered me the space to live into my vocation while also being authentic to who I find myself to be in this moment.  Because of CPE, I am a better person and pastor than I have ever been.  I remind myself of all that I have learned, to pause and be fully present, to bring myself fully to the gift of each day.   I understand all of this to be part of my sacred process of sanctification and transformation, and Jesus continues to be my closest companion on this journey.  

So, when I read the latest about another delay in the General Conference of the UMC (which I totally expected and is the right decision for many reasons) I was taken aback by the tear-filled deep grief that immediately interrupted my night.  The news hit differently this time because I am now a part of the "problem".  My ability to serve, to fulfill the call God placed on my life, to love people into a relationship with Jesus, to be who I have been created to be, sort of hangs in the balance now.  A couple years ago I thought I would just pursue a different denominational expression (and I am just now beginning to explore that process).  I though it would be easy to let my anger at this standstill and the pain it has caused so many people I love be the catalyst for my pursuit, but it hasn't worked.   I have been confronted repeatedly by the hold the UMC has on my life.  In so (so) many ways my entire life has been shaped and formed by this expression of God's activity in the world.  For my entire life relationships with wonderful church folks have served as a strong foundation for my identity.  That has never stopped, even now I celebrate the gift of these faithful companions I only know because of my connection with the connectional church.  I have been so well loved, formed in faith, and challenged to live this same love into the world.  

It makes me mad honestly, how I let the church system truly grab such a hold of me.  It was my own doing, as I put my everything into trying to be the best - at the expense of any sort of balance.  Coming back after a year away from the local church, I think I naively expected that my system would see me as the same pastor I have always been.  But that is not the case, as who I love prevents me from serving fully in most places.  Yet, I am the same, actually I'm much healthier now.  I say often that all of this just doesn't make sense in my head.  How can finally finding the person I'm supposed to love for the rest of my life be at odds with the call to ministry God placed on my heart when I was 20 years old?  How can loving someone like this, feeling so certain that it is true and right and good, be an abomination?  It can't.  It isn't.  But when this "thing" has had such a hold on who you are is at odds with who you now know yourself to be, the result can easily be shame.  I remind myself quite often that shame is not an option, that the God I know, who created me with purpose and design, is the God who continues to breath life and love into me every moment.  

At the same time, I am not ready to lead the PRIDE parade, in fact I have only recently found the bravery to talk about this openly in meetings where I am asked to share a bit about myself.  It's taken me six months to find that voice, and may take me a lifetime to be a strong advocate for myself.  It is easier for me to be an advocate for the people I love, many of whom are young adults and youth that are struggling with the idea of being Christian, of connecting to a church, of claiming faith in Jesus...because they do not like the version of Christianity that is uncertain if persons of the LGBTQ+ community are fully loved by God.  The UMC is on hold, and the longer it is on hold the less relevant it becomes.  But the hold it has is real,  The theological intention of the UMC is powerful, it is good, it is relevant.  In its current state it is causing pain, anger, fear, and shame.  This I know.  

I am grateful for colleagues in the UMC that are fighting boldly - making statements of inclusion, defying the rules in order to prevent causing further harm.  I am certain you are weary.  I am thankful that I currently work in a space where I can see things from a step away, for the gift of working with a compassionate, straight-forward, senior pastor who challenges me to trust myself and my abilities.  But my friends, I am deeply saddened today as the reality of all of this continues to stake its claim.   I imagine God is too.  

I wonder this Lenten season if what I'm being called to give up is my theological and spiritual home? 

My prayer is simple:  Lead me, Lord.  Lead me in thy righteousness; make they way plain before my face.  For it is thou, Lord, thou, Lord only, that makest me dwell in safety.  Amen.