I am generally up for a good adventure. In fact, one of my most favorite things is to hike or bike a brand new trail. There is something sort of magical about seeing new places and experiencing things that only those who step off the beaten path will see. We can experience so much of creation up close and personal via the internet, but there is nothing quite like jumping off the top of a waterfall, or walking between the tall walls of a canyon in Arizona. I will say though, that often when I am on these adventures fear becomes a companion.
I want to know where I am going, have a map or guide that reminds me how to get back to my car, and when possible, a cell phone just in case. Often though, accurate maps aren't available or there's something magnificent just a ways off the trail. And it's in these moments that we step off the path, with a little bit of excitement and fear about what may lie ahead.
I've always thought a life-journey road map would be kind of nice. One that showed the path to living abundantly as God has designed, with bends in the road and undoubtedly a few U-Turns along the way. But one that would show us the steps we should take to reach the finish line well.
What I'm talking about fundamentally, is the process of discernment. Discernment does not always come easy for me. When I long for God to tell me out loud what step to take, or the next move to make with the church, I rarely slow down long enough to even hear God whisper. I have recently come to realize just how loud every other voice has gotten in my life, at the expense of peace, rest, and even living authentically.
In the midst of all the chaos with this virus, the literal doors of the church being locked up, and trying to figure out how to do the best virtual ministry possible, I found myself having to stop, listen, and get grounded again in my role as God's beloved. This has always been a hard sell for me - I can tell you all how much God loves and adores you, wants you to live fully and love boldly...but for me to receive that same unconditional love is such a challenge.
I am wired to care for others, to listen well, to do whatever I can to make people happy. These are great traits for a pastor, right? However, I often do all of these things at the expense of balance, and family, and friends. This year when things were really difficult personally I worked even harder and spent longer hours constantly trying to plan and do more...because that is what I know how to do, that's what comes easy for me. It wasn't until this perfect storm all came together at the end of March that I had to finally stop and listen for the movement of the Holy Spirit. It spoke very clearly to me and through some people who are very close to me....and what I heard made me realize that I have been doing this life thing wrong, that no matter how hard I work, or how successful I am professionally, whether churches I serve flourish or decline, if I define who I am by what I accomplish, I've got it all wrong.
I dropped a bomb on my church folks on Sunday, letting them know that I am going to be stepping away from ministry for a time of discernment and clarification of God's call on my life. The only way I could see to gain a healthier balance and perspective is to make some space to listen and get reminded of that one simple truth, that no matter how many hours I work, no matter what gets accomplished or doesn't - I am God's beloved. (You are too....) From that springs the rest of life, and the path forward, and a better work/life balance.
I am reminded of this passage from Proverbs:
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Proverbs 3:5-6 The Message
I wonder if you have done some discerning lately, if you hear God clearly these days? I'm about to take a giant step off the beaten path, letting God speak life into my Spirit, trusting that although the roadmap is unclear, it is leading me to new understandings of myself and who I am called to be in this crazy world of ours. I hope the Spirit is leading you into new territory, too.
For now though, my prayer is simple. May we listen and hear the movement of the Holy Spirit louder than all the other voices, and not be afraid to heed it's call. Amen.
Love to you this night,
Pastor Devon
