Seeing the ME in THEM.

I have failed miserable at writing lately, as you can tell if you notice that I haven't written since July. I've been making that "I just moved" transition, which has taken me a lot longer than I like.  A new church to serve = a new place to live, new friends (and some old ones too!), new rhythm, and for me a lot of focus on my own understanding of who God is and how God can & is at work in the world.  Spiritually speaking this move has really challenged me to dig into the roots of my calling, to reflect on who I am in Christ.  

Today I decided to write because I need your help.  For those who don't know, the UMC has again made the news.  You can read about it on most of the major news websites - Washington Post, ABC, etc.  Basically a UMC elder (fully-ordained and credentialed pastor) performed a wedding ceremony for his gay son & partner.  Though the debate has raged on for what seems like forever, our current polity does not allow for homosexual person to be ordained, nor does it recognize or allow civil unions/marriage ceremonies between people of the same sex.  

The debate as I see it basically boils down to two groups of pastors:  1)Those who uphold our Book of Discipline, believing that homosexuality is a choice & a sin (Biblically interpreted) and 2) Those of us who believe that persons are born this way and should not be penalized/discriminated against no matter what our "policies" say.  This debate goes far beyond the conservative/liberal, republican/democrat debates that we often have.  This debate seems to have actually moved into a place that divides us with only the mention of a word.  

On Facebook there is a group called UM Clergy - the debate rages on in this group.  Most of the time I ignore the posts - but last night as I was trying to catch up on the day's news with regard to this pastor's trial.  I read the posts - they were all about this pastor and the punishment he is to receive (today I think).  The language in the posts was filled with hatred, ignorance, and blame.  Some think that anyone who "goes against the polity of the church" should have their job and credentials revoked.  "They deserve it because they have broken the covenant to which they committed."

All day long I've thought about this.  While ten years ago I may have thought differently, ministry practice has taught me so much about people and the human condition....and myself.  I'm so far from being Christ-minded most of the time.  When I was ordained I was told to "take thou authority" - and I said yes to the question that I believed I could be perfected in love.  But as each day rolls on I find that I'm certainly less-than-perfect in love.  I'm so often so full of myself & the world that I forget to nurture the image of God that exists in me.  It's kind of ironic that we pastors can get so busy doing God's work that we actually forget to spend time with God.  Unfortunately what I think is happening now is that people are so certain that they are right, that they couldn't imagine God wouldn't agree with them.  Having God agree with "my opinion" gives me the unfortunate confidence to proclaim what "God thinks"  and "what God will do."

While I think that the UMC is of God and one vessel though which the Kingdom of God is brought to earth, I'm pretty sure that the Book of Discipline wasn't God's idea.  I'm pretty sure that it's a guide for those of us who take those ordination vows and go through that long process of being affirmed by our peers for ordination with similar theology and intentions of the UMC.  I'm also pretty sure that it must not be taken as God's literal and infallible word for the church.  Times change, people change...advances are made medically which we don't deny - so why are we having such a hard time believing (what John Wesley certainly knew all along) that God's grace is in everyone, working in and through everyone, and that no matter how imperfect we are or "they" are we must take time to discern God's will and the Spirit's movement.  The Book of Discipline may be our polity but that doesn't mean it's always (forever and ever) going to line up with the will of God for the UMC.  Think about it, I'm a woman pastor..that required some significant change.  

While it seems that this issue is the one that divides us, it is certainly a larger issue.  However, the division and tension only increase as time passes.  I'm SO tired of it.  Rather than utilize the differences to widen the ministry base we are stuck waiting to see...what will happen, who will move first, how can we convince the "other" that we are really correct.  I'm telling you that there will be peace in the Middle East before we all get along, or at least that's what it feels like.

I'm 33, been a pastor since 25 - and potentially could serve until 70.  That's too long to serve a "structure" that doesn't practice what it preaches.  It's too difficult to empower lay people to go and love their neighbor when the hierarchy and pastors of the denomination cannot do the same.  I have given my life to this calling, to this denomination, to trust my superiors and say yes to itinerancy.  I fear I may be the next one who doesn't live a life following all the details of the BOD, it's only a matter of time until someone figures out I'm a sinful human, after all.  What are the options?  Will we have a church split?  How can those of us who are ready commit to the Wesleyan understandings of grace and perfection and move on?  What do we do, friends?  How do we do it?  What does it take for something to give?  

In the meantime our denomination shrinks.  Young people look at us and laugh.  Why would they want to serve/attend a denomination that can't get it together.  We will die because some people want to be right.  And in the meantime I wonder....in the name of God who are we hurting the most.  For this we will all be accountable.  Pretty scary.