Knots

When I first started in ministry I was so excited that I couldn't wait to help out in every possible way. I love people, so much of my time was spent visiting and praying with my parishioners. I was given charge of the youth group, something I was used to having served as a director of youth and children's ministry while in seminary. In the midst of the joy of practicing ministry I found my preaching voice and reveled in the mystery of The Spirit's movement in the lives of the people I had quickly grown to love.

I heard warnings of pastor burn-out and keeping life and vocation separate. I remembered the voice of my Church Administration prof saying repeatedly, "pastors should not make friends with those in their churches.".And oh so quickly, and without recognition I found myself breaking the unwritten pastor rules that have been handed down through the ages.
Has the role of pastor changed or am I just doing it wrong? I believe that the people in my congregation want to know that their pastor is a real person just like they are, one who struggles with living as Christ calls in the midst of this world. The pastor-pedestal is not for me! Besides, I'm too uncoordinated to be set up high. That's too far of a tumble for me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a knot trying to balance all the loose ends of ministry, friendships, family, and keeping healthy my own soul. Inevitably someone gets the short end of the stick and the strings unravel a bit. As many pastors are, I too am a grand people pleaser. This causes the knot to get tight once on a while when I realize that I am neglecting a friend, my family, or have dropped the ball on follow-through with a parishioner.

One of my friends recently posted a status in Facebook that asked this: "Is the way you are doing ministry destroying the God in you?". A profound question that should be easily answered with a resunding NO, but in my life could often be answered with a humble yes.

Ministry in the midst of The Bread of Life can leave me starving if I get caught up in knots. It's the knots of doubt and people pleasing that destroy the image and work of God in me, and in turn destroy my ability to see God in another. The irony of all of this is that it occurs under the great umbrella of loving God who simply desires my adoration, faith, and worship. How did that become so complicated, anyway?

Sometimes I really Wonder if I'm Crazy.

Have you ever actually wondered if you're losing it?  I had a day like that yesterday after having a weekend from Hades!  (Yes, I think that PC for HELL!)  I often find myself in places where I am not sure I belong.  For example, as I write this I am also in the middle of a "virtual meeting" for the UMC.  So, I am listening to conversations about Budgets for Boards and Agencies in W. MI, as we discern what can be cut and how it should be done.  Of course, the areas that continue to be cut are the very ones that matter most to me:  camping, campus ministries, and global ministries.  It is a conversation for which I always feel unprepared.  Oh no...they just asked me what I thought about something.  


At my own church we are always running facts and figures to discern how we can meet our budget and pay down a mortgage that hangs over us a bit.  In the midst of these discussions the Holy Spirit sneaks in and the real ministry questions are asked, "How do we really measure success..." or "What does this mean for real people, not just numbers?"  
So rather than get overly invested and perhaps a little anxious over the state of the denomination in which I have invested my entire life I thought I'd write a blog post.


Maybe it's not me that is crazy, maybe God was crazy when I got the big CALL.  Was it really just the pizza I ate keeping me up at night?  No.  It's not that easy to sneak away from a call to ministry.  It's one of those things that sort of picks at you until you just succumb and give it all to God in true hope and with a good mix of fear and excitement.  


I am often filled with a tension that I cannot fully express, perhaps you understand.  I wonder if the church (whether UMC or whatever) is capable of doing what God intended it to do.  I am a believer that God intends the church to be the vehicle through which the nations become aware of the Triune God, I just wonder sometimes if God had any idea what people are really like when we were created.  I am a female pastor, this fact alone sometimes shuts me out of discussions to which I have things to add.  How, with all of these factors and judgement can we every truly work with each other?  What would it look like for us to discuss the real basics and start there.  Would the body of believers grow?  


I long for the church I serve, which happens to be theologically Wesleyan and connected to the UMC, to be a place that really does church well.  I dream of people excited to be at worship, of offering sermons while everyone is awake, of technology advancing ministry (tech. that actually works with people who really enjoy running it).  These are silly things in the big picture, but how do I lead this church in a new way, how can I foster excitement and joy in the simple fact that Jesus rose and we can too.  


Some people in my church told me recently of a church who's slogan was, "The Church that doesn't Suck."  I wish I could make T-shirts with this for my church, but I don't think it would go over too well.  The world wants a church that doesn't suck.  One that doesn't suck the life out of them, one that meets at a time that doesn't suck, one that doesn't offer them suck-y messages....if we didn't suck so much people would be lining up to spend time together, singing, loving each other, praying, and the whole atmosphere would NOT SUCK it would GIVE LIFE.


I wanna be a leader of a church that offers life.


Is this a prayer?  Maybe so.